I am here...surviving

Hated myself a little less today...

Life

I've fallen off the wagon, then the wagon stopped, backed up and ran me over. Over the last year I threw all my hard work out the window and am in great anger and self hate.

This last week I was able to stay motivated, workout out every day, are carefully and got over 10,000 steps in each day. It is so hard to stay on track. Hoping this sticks. Anyone want to take a spare 30 lbs off my body? Ugh...

It's Happening!

New ink

So...this happened last week!

Not gonna happen!

2018 was the year that backdropped me! Excited for 2019 adventures and my ability to fight off any bad moves it has in store!

Thankful

My first warm vacation!

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#incredible #mauisky #beautiful #nothingbeatsnature

A post shared by Squeezetoy (@squeezetoy) on Jan 27, 2019 at 8:37pm PST

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#piratesofthecaribbean #captainjack #captainsalazar #whyistherumgone #lego #pirateparty

A post shared by Squeezetoy (@squeezetoy) on Jan 7, 2019 at 7:29pm PST

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#pinkhair #nerdygirls #tattooedgirl #cantsleep #bored

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Tattoo Hibernation

Almost time for tattoo hibernation through the fall/winter. #tattooedgirls #lovetheseshoes #nerdygirls

A post shared by Squeezetoy (@squeezetoy) on Sep 4, 2018 at 12:38pm PDT

Lyrics that make me yern

Sometimes I picture this happy life
Burning in the depth of time
Where sadness is a myth to me
Is that something you can give to me?

I picture this silent room
Humming with that silent tune
That my body sings when I get close to you
So hear me now, it might be ending soon

I picture that morning kiss
The death of pain and loneliness
You give me strength when you hold my hand
I'm that headless heart, that broken man

And as I'm walking around the void
And I hear that easy voice
That tells you when there's nothing left for you-
My darling I could die right next to you

[Bridge]
Singing la da da da da da da
(La na na na na na na)
(La da da da)

[Verse 2]
And I can do what you ask
Before you ask it, let me have it
Give me nothing, but let me know you
And I will be there, just let me show you

Give me heartache if that means a reason
That I would continue; Please, I need them
Because you mattered, when nothing mattered
If I need something let me have her

I can be there, I can be there
All my secrets, come and see them
And I can help you as you hear me
I can feel you, baby please be near me

Come and find me in the shadows
Light a candle or just hold my hand because
You mattered when nothing mattered
If I need something, let me have her

Holy dancer, come and find me
In the darkness where I've been hiding
Oh you are my answer
My one and only
Holy woman, Oh my holy dancer

Give me that hometown by the train tracks
Only dancing with my silent face, I know
I had that, I once had that
Now that I'm broken, Baby can't I go back?

Be my refuge beneath the covers
You are my best friend, as you're my lover
Oh I just found it, I think I found it
'Cause your beauty blinds me and I'm surrounded

[Bridge]
Singing la da da da da da da
(La na na na na na na)
(La da da da)

[Verse 3]
Now you can picture this broken boy
With dreams of things he can't enjoy
Speaking words he won't fulfill
And promising that it can happen but

With all the years, I have on my name
Living in a Grecian cave
Where nothing of a concrete world
Allows me now to love a girl

So is it better if I just bow my head?
My dreams are getting overfed
My fantasies are gaining speed
In the politics of make-believe

See ours is a distant shore
I am sailing there, but through a storm
A falling soul, falling slow and sweet
I'll meet you there, eventually

[Instrumental]

Or maybe it's fine
You see a lot of people die
And never find this, so

I sure wish I had freckles!

Filter fun...

Dresses

The weather is nicer, which makes me excited for dresses. I wouldn't normally buy white or even blue, however I couldn't pass up this dress with my hair. It was also 50% off!

Cosplay: Booker DeWitt

Bioshock Infinite is an amazing game, easily one of my favorites. Incredible story, plus steampunk designs, compelling characters, first person shooter, perfect twist...I could go on. Last expo I almost had a chance to meet Troy Baker, the voice actor of Booker DeWitt. I was ready, and beside myself with excitement... then he canceled.

I thought maybe, perhaps, he'd reschedule for the next year. So on my way home from Expo 2017 I started planning my rendition of Booker DeWitt. Initial ideas and drawings, lots of back and forth with my seamstress, found a sky hook, deposit paid, costume made...

Troy was not a guest this year, but I was still incredibly proud to bring Booker to life in my own way. My cosplay journey continues.

My motivation...

My design:

  

Cosplay

Expo weekend has come and gone! This year I went with someone who was an incredible support for my cosplay. I have several costumes that I've designed and planned, put so much work into and never been able to wear to expo as the person I went with did not support me. They felt that if I were in costume they HAD to be and since they didn't have something to wear, I couldn't. This year was different.

I planned my Booker costume for Saturday only, yet was encouraged (and convinced) to wear my long standing Steampunk Fairy that I've never had the chance to wear at Expo. Glad I did! I had so many compliments and support for my fairy costume. Was a huge motivation to continue my cosplay journey, plan more costumes and even better my fairy for next year.

Support each other! Cosplay for you, not for others. No one commented on my Booker costume, but I still loved wearing it after the planning that went into it. I was proud of my design and version of Booker. Ideas swirling for next year already and I am so incredibly excited! Now just to find a bag of money...

Smiles

Dance!

My new color

No thanks...