Oh George...

The Matrix Zorb Cold Weather Human Hamster Ball...what a great idea! What does George Takei think?

When Brad asked what I wanted for my birthday, I said "jet pack," just like I have for the past four years. Now, Brad thinks I'm too far into my "Golden Years" to strap on any kind of propulsion unit, so each year his gifts have been disappointing: A bow-tie. A snuggie. Gel insoles.

Imagine my delight when I came home to the ZORB HUMAN HAMSTER BALL in our back yard. "Not as good a jet pack," Brad noted, shrugging. "But safer."

Brad was a bit winded after blowing it up for six hours (I recommend an air pump), so we left it inflated. We strapped it to our car roof using the 120 left-over bungee cords from our home bungee jumping kit (I would NOT recommend this product). We then drove up to the Hollywood Hills sign for a test roll.

To my embarrassment, the first thing that happened was I got stuck halfway in, my legs wiggling on the outside. Brad enlisted some startled Korean tourists, who after a serious side deliberation and a vote, cut my pants free and squeezed me in by slathering margarine on my hips. (Brad keeps some in the car just in case.) They launched me forward with a coordinated "Hana, Dulh, SEHT!"

Perhaps I should have practiced on a flat surface. Over I went, like James in his giant peach, tumbling and bouncing through brush and bracken, my body pressed flat like lettuce in a salad spinner. Apparently, as in space, in the Human Hamster Ball no one can hear you scream.

I reached a series of McMansions, bounced high over some gated walls, then splash landed in an infinity pool, terrifying a group of overprivileged children at a birthday party. I began to run inside the ball, and sure enough, I soon became a human paddlewheel. My forward inertia pushed me over the pool's edge and into the busy street below. Brad, who had been following my progress via hang glider, waved his hands in warning, but I thought he was just saying hi, so I waved back, with a big thumbs up.

Oh myyy. Friends, you haven't experienced Newton's Third Law of Motion until your Human Hamster Ball collides with a semi heading the opposite way. I ricocheted like an eight ball and flew several hundred feet, then bounced from car to car until I finally came to rest somewhere along Rodeo Drive. My chosen mode of transport created quite the stir, especially when I again needed help being pulled back out of the ball.

Thanks again, LAFD, for understanding. I swear I'm not doing these things just to get your hunky attention.