Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I lost my motivation...will you help me find it?

It's gone...and I wish I knew where it was. I haven't had it with me for a while now...just one day it got up and wondered away. I am losing things because of my lack of motivation...things I worked really hard to achieve in life and they are slipping away. If this upsets me so much why doesn't it make me want to try? I still bake, but that is my therapy. If I couldn't bake I would go crazy in this life, it gets me away to create something and makes me feel appreciated for once.
The thing I miss my music. I started taking piano lessons when I was five-years-old. I still remember walking down the street to my piano teacher's house, music books in hand, for my weekly lesson. I progressed and when i was 16 was skipping entire grades in order to reach my goal. Piano was my ticket to university, the violin was my carry-on.
I started the violin in grade 4, they offered it through school. I wanted to learn the double bass, but this particular teach did not teach that instrument, so I grabbed the violin. I was 9 years old in the beginning, and quickly found I had a knack for the instrument. After leaving elementary school I joined the youth strings orchestra because violin was no longer offered through the schools. I barely practiced...but before I knew it, I was first chair in our orchestra. At 16 years I received a 3rd place award for the Royal Conservatory training. Third place out of CANADA! After graduating high school I continued to play with the orchestra, was accepted by a well known instructor at the university to help me train and be in the symphony. We played for the members of the symphony orchestra at an afternoon tea...I played a solo in the tango. I still remember how alive I felt...and how scared I was. I even played back-up violin for a local singers CD!
I foolishly changed my career path and chose not to go to school for music. I began to lose it from there...and one day it was gone. I had no piano when I moved out on my own, just a keyboard that I did not like playing on. That explains some. I recently received my grandparent's old piano and was extremely excited. I played for a few hours every day for 2 weeks. Then became busy with school. I have been out of school for 3 months now...and my urge to play has not returned. I am devastated. Music is so important to me. It's a huge attraction for me when someone makes, why don't I want to?

I hope to find it soon, or at least find a muse. Someone or something to motivate me to be better and to be me.

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